"Better Than No One" is a song featured on the Ren & Stimpy album You Eediot! The song opens with Stimpy tap-dancing, with Ren thinking that he looks stupid in doing so. However, Stimpy convinces Ren to join him, after which they sing about their odd friendship.

The song was also used as the end credits music for the Nickelodeon Friends Variety Pack VHS.


Ren: Steempy! What's all that racket about?
Stimpy: I'm tap-dancing, Ren! Pretty good, huh?
Ren: Eet just sounds like noise to me! And you look even more stupid than usual.
Stimpy: Oh, pshaw! Tap-dancing is fun, Ren. Why don't you join me?
Ren: Ohhh nooo! I'm no eediot.
Stimpy: Oh, come on. No one will ever see you.
Ren: No way!
Stimpy: Just put these shoes on and move your feet...
Ren: BACK OFF, MAN! I can do it...
Stimpy: Now, don't you feel better?
Ren: Hey! Thees ees fun! You're right, Steempy. I'm sorry I'm all the time so mean to you.
Stimpy: Think nothin' of it, buddy!
Ren: Pal!
Stimpy: It's really great to have a chum
Who's kind and caring and lots of fun
He slaps me around when I feel blue
Only a pal would do that for you
His name is Ren and when it comes to a friend
No one is better!
Your turn, pal!
Ren: OK, buddddd... [Stimpy steps on his foot] AAAAAHHHH! YOU EEDIOT! If you're going to tap-dance, do it on your own two feet!
Stimpy: Whoops!
Ren: He's really fat, [Stimpy burps] but I admit
Stimpy: What's that, Ren?
Ren: He's not so dumb...
Stimpy: Joy!
Ren: ...for an eediot!
I hate the smell of his steenky litter box
And when he fills with glue my stay-put socks
He's lost his mind, but when I'm een a bind
He's better than no one!
Would you comb my hair?
Stimpy: With glee!
Ren: Would you shave my tongue?
Stimpy: For free!
Ren: Would you cleanse my spleen?
Stimpy: Whoopee!
Both: You're the friend for me!
Ren: My friend to the end...
Stimpy: That's me! That's me!
Ren: ...Which I hope is soon...
Stimpy: He hopes is soon!
Ren: ...Has a head full of air...
Stimpy: A head full of air?
Ren: a red balloon!
Stimpy: A balloon head? Wow! What a great thing to be!
You always say the nicest things to me.
Ren: You're a fool!
Stimpy: But I think you're cool.
No one is better!
Would you tell me a story?
Ren: No way!
Stimpy: Would you pick my nose?
Ren: For pay...
Stimpy: Would you scratch my back?
Ren: No!
Stimpy: Pluck my brows?
Ren: No!
Stimpy: Clean my box?
Ren: Erghhhh!
Stimpy: Lick my fur?
Ren: Alright, Steempy! That's eet! I've had enough of your stuuuuuupid questions! The answer is NO! No, I tell you! A thousand times, NOOOOOOO!
Stimpy: Oh, just asking!
Ren: We're opposites by nature.
Stimpy: He's a dog, and I'm a cat, I think.
Ren: But put us both together...
Stimpy: ...And we're a purr-fect match!
Ren: Shut up!
Stimpy: Yes, sir!
I'm glad he's here to tell me what to do!
Ren: Aw, somebody's got to think for you.
You may be a dud, but when I need a bud
You're better than no one!
Stimpy: No one is better!
Ren: You're better than...
Stimpy: No one is...
Ren: Better than...
Stimpy: No one...
Both: No one is better.

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